Empty Nesters under 40

The kids are home with their parents. As of the December 11th, we have no more babies in the house. Ironically as much as I dreaded them going home, it's been a bit of a relief as well. In the past month the kids have been back and forth between our home and their parents, and haven't reacted well at all. We basically put them to bed at night and dropped them off at daycare in the morning.

Looking back, I know I would do it again. It was HARD but worth it. There are so many things I will do differently next time.... be more organized, serve God more while being a mother, put my husband before the kids, ask for more help. Fnd BALANCE.

We are enjoying our new freedom, but our arms feel so empty. We are back on the "waiting" list and have agreed to take in kids for short term respite (where other foster families get a much needed break from their kids) when the opportunity arises.

There were 33, 615 kids in foster care in 2008 - in Texas alone. Each month in Texas averaged 17, 974 kids. At the end of 2008, 6,375 kids were awaiting adoption. Here am I Lord, send me!

Read more about Texas foster care and the statistics I've listed here.

Please pray for our three babies - that they continue to be safe and are raised to love Jesus. We miss them so much.

Wow, I have a blog?

Okay so I am REALLY bad at blogging. I do have three good excuses, but I can't name them on the Internet. However they are 3, 2 and 1 and all require diaper changes :)

The kids have been with us a little over 7 months now. It's hard to believe, it feels like they've always been here.

A few big things that happened since my last (and distant) post:

We put the kids in daycare. It's been about a month now. The oldest, who had made such great strides and improvements, has completely regressed in many ways. One moment he is sweet, the next he is intolerable. I realize that is also part of being a three year old, but he definitely knows how to make our household miserable! He is having trouble sleeping and behaving at daycare as well. Greg and I have discussed my staying home with them again until they leave, his behavior is so off.

I am working as a substitute teacher. That topic requires a whole new blog and we all know how great I would be at that :)

The 2 year old is well on his way to being potty trained. His teachers love him at the daycare. Unfortunately while he is at home, he looks up to his older brother and has begun to mimic many of his less desirable traits. Other than that, he is doing well and is mostly a low maintenance kid :)

The baby is walking, has five teeth and turned one last month. Her parents threw a little party for her at McDonald's. I can't believe how big she is. Because I am a dope (and can't find a decent pediatrician that takes Medicaid), I didn't realize we were supposed to be weening her off formula and her bottle. So, we are trying to do that now. If you've ever seen the show "Sanford and Sons" and can remember how Red Fox looked while he walked, that is what baby girl reminds me of.

After many false alarms, the kids really might go home in 4-6 weeks. CPS is filing an affidavit and then we're just waiting on a court date. Next Saturday begins longer visits, 4 hours the first weekend, 6 the next... progressing to an overnight stay. Having met the parents, we are ecstatic for them and know they are SO ready for their babies to come home. We are inviting them to our church for Halloween so they can see the kids and trick-or-treat with them.

God really has perfect timing. I can see so many reasons I didn't get a teaching job this year. As stressful as life is right now, I can't imagine myself in my first year of teaching and taking care of three kids. I will also be grateful for that when the kids go... we already have plans to drive up to AR to stay with friends for a long weekend after they leave. I will be heart broken and need a change of scenery.

Foster care is so different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard, but wasn't prepared for it to be THIS hard. It has taken a toll on our social lives, our marriage, my sister and really made us understand how flawed and selfish we are.

With that said, I think we will do it again, and hope God sends us "our" kids the next time. Greg would like to foster long term but don't know if I can do it.

A few things we will do differently next time:

• Apply for daycare immediately
• Request shot records immediately. They are invaluable!
• Not take on three at once
• Utilize respite (sending the kids to another foster family for a short stay) within the first couple of months. We do this now, one weekend a month, but did not do it for the first 3-4 months and got burnt out fast
• We'll be better prepared for the prejudice, conscious or subconscious that people will have toward our kids - because they are foster kids
• I will not share every sordid detail of my kids misbehavior, even if I do need to vent. This also causes prejudice toward the child, and people will then have low expectations of that child.
• If our kids see a therapist, I will insist from the beginning that we be kept informed on any progress made, or issues discovered. I take the boys every week and have no idea what is said or done.
• Network to find a decent pediatrician that accepts Medicaid.
• We will not use WIC unless we have a baby on formula. Although we have the hang of things now, it is still a huge hassle and we don't need or use all of the food available to us.
• Be more organized with our paperwork.
• Start of the kids "life books" earlier. This include photos and other information that the kids will take with them so that there are no blanks in their lives while in foster care.
• And many, many more.......

So, if anyone still reads this blog, I'll try to do better from now on. Thanks for paying attention!

"Real" Parents

It's been a long time since I've posted. Here are a few quick updates:

• CPS is looking at a Great-Aunt to take the kids. We are still waiting for a homestudy to be complete, but they could be placed with her by mid-August.

• CPS sent out information from the reunification meeting with our last name on it - to everyone who attended the meeting, including the parents and their relatives. Nice.

• Miley stood all by herself for a few seconds this week. It was amazing!

• The family visits are going MUCH better.

It's 3 AM. The kids are in respite for the weekend. It's funny, I've been looking forward to having a "break" for two weeks now, but I can't help but miss them. I'm sure I'll get over it tomorrow when no one knocks on my door at 7 AM :)

I've been thinking about the way foster parents are treated - as though we are not "real" parents. It's starting to bother me a lot. Don't get me wrong, our church and friends have been great: as soon as the word got out that we were being placed with three kids, people started scrambling. As a result we have six car seats (and use almost all of them), two pack 'n plays (use both), two strollers, a crib, two high chairs, clothes, bunk beds, toys, a jungle gym. There are many prayer warriors on our side. We appreciated and needed that. I don't want to seem ungrateful.

However, there is a flip side. For example, I had someone inform me that I should never leave the baby alone in the bath tub. Evidently, they can drown in as little as two inches of water. I don't know why that bothered me so much but it did. I know this person was trying to be helpful, but it feels like because I have not given birth people assume I have no common sense. By the way, there is a lot we do NOT know. I have no problem admitting that and asking for advice when I need it.

Mother's Day and Father's Day were interesting. Our church does recognition of things like oldest father/mother, newest, one with most children, most family present, etc. When I was nominated for newest mother, someone actually said out loud, "but she didn't actually have them". Ouch. When Greg was nominated, someone said, "he's only a father until July". Keep in mind this is during the morning service. I realize this is a minority, but it is still hurtful.

These kids call us Mom and Dad - and not because we prompted them to. They run to us when they are hurt. We feed them, clothe them and bathe them. When the baby cries in the middle of the night, we get up with her. Doctors visits, play dates, church, therapies, tantrums - we are there for it all.

I think in the long run, being a foster parent is more difficult and painful than being a birth parent raising their kids. After all, these kids are with us indefinitely. We take them in with all their problems, start to straighten them out, then they are taken. In the end, the only thing separating foster parents from "real" parents is permanency.

Why else would I be up at 3 AM writing about them?

Sick kids, Accusations and Reunification

Well we've had a couple of weekends of respite and were just starting to feel better when... both of the boys got sick. They have a viral infection in their mouths. This includes fever and mouth sores. Obviously they are miserable and can't eat. Because they are miserable we are miserable.

Also the kids mother accused us of scalding the baby... she has dry skin around her wrists and ankles, and Mom thought those spots looked like burned skin that is healing. Don't ask. I took the baby to the ER for 4 hours so a dr. could confirm that she had, in fact, dry skin. The investigation should be concluded soon.

Lastly we are attending a reunification meeting next Friday regarding returning the kids to their Mom. Just when things were getting easier, we find out they are leaving.

Although we are heart broken at the thought of these three leaving, we will definitely not be taking three kids at one time again.

This is the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I hope that the next placement "sticks" and we can finally foster-to-adopt.

On a brighter note, I graduated last Saturday! It was awesome. Now I just need to find a teaching job.....

Happy Birthday tomorrow to my husband, my soul mate and the love of my life.

Head just about water

Whew! It's been a tough two months. But still we are blessed :)

Taking care of the kids during the day and working at night has taken it's toll on Greg and we are now looking at daycare centers. We are heart broken about this but he is exhausted and we have to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of the kids. The one center we really liked and had peace about does not have openings for all three kids. I am praying those openings will happen but in the meanwhile will keep looking.

I was thinking about all those foster classes we had to take... none of them warn you about how you will feel at 3 AM when the baby won't stop crying.... or how you will have no social life after the kids arrive... or how your heart will hurt when you see how angry and damaged a three year old can be.

The oldest had several violent issues this week. First I caught him choking his brother, both hands around the neck. Next he intentionally knocked the baby over, full force with both hands. I also caught him squeezing the baby's wrist as hard as he could. No telling what we didn't see. Both boys are in play therapy so hopefully we can continue to work on this.

WIC SUCKS. What a nightmare. I will NOT use it again, unless I need formula. It isn't worth it. I went May 1st to get formula. I got through the line when I found out I had no wic available. Keep in mind I called in the middle of April to find out if I needed to come in, etc. Oh no, everything was fine - not. So I went Thursday to the WIC office and got everything taken care of. After this I went back to Kroger, where everything went through - except the formula. They had put the wrong kind on my account. So I went straight back, got it fixed, then went back to Kroger and picked up the formula. So frustrating.

To change the tone (less complaining), the baby is doing great. While she is a little delayed and receives physical therapy, she has improved so much since we got her. She can now sit up on her own and holds her own bottle. She also has two front teeth coming in. It's amazing how much you can love a child who is not yours.

The middle boy is doing well also. He tends to mimic his older brother but is otherwise a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. He tries to talk but much of it is unintelligible. We are able to make out things like "more", "Da(d)" and "Momma". He's got an incredible grin that makes you forget why you're mad at him.

The oldest is also fun... he loves to sing but makes up his own variations of everything. He even rewrote the ABC song :) He is attending MDO at our church and does really well there and in his Sunday school and Wednesday night classes.

We dropped the kids off for respite tonight. I hated to leave them - but we desperately need a break. I am looking forward to picking them up again tomorrow evening but may eat those words later :)

I am graduating next Saturday! Still looking for a job as well but that has been difficult with the kids around. I am still holding on to the fact that God knows exactly where I'm going to end up.

We're hanging in here... I'll try to update again soon.

5 Weeks and Counting

Well the past five weeks have been some of the most blessed and difficult of my life. I knew three kids was a lot but nothing can prepare you for how hard it really is.

We've been to the doctor several times, dealing with breathing treatments, ear infections and strep throat. I think we're finally getting everything under control.

The oldest throws several temper tantrums a day and does not listen. He is almost three so I'm not sure if that is being a foster kid or being a three year old!

The middle is the physically violent one. I have had hair pulled, been kicked, punched, slapped and pinched. It's definitely getting old - and almost exclusive to me. Both the boys have an appointment next week with a play therapist.

The baby is a sweetie. She doesn't sleep through the night, but her loving personality makes up for it.

Whew!

We're still getting used to being stared at out in public. After all, we are a bunch of white folk with three black kids :)

In the last two nights, the boys have asked that I come kiss them goodnight. This is significant because Greg is "Daddy" to them, but I am always "Brandi". The oldest called me Mommy twice but immediately corrected himself :) We are slowly creating a bond.

In the meanwhile I am working on finding a teaching job and will be graduating in less than 35 days. If you know me in real life, expect an evite to my graduation party!

Greg has put off his job search until the kids are returned to their parents.

Well I'm going to bed.... exhausted but happy!

Tired but happy!

The kids came last Monday afternoon. It was a little awkward but looking back everything went well. It has been tough but awesome. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. The baby is a sweet thing, but I think she has a respiratory infection and I've already taken her to the doctor twice. The boys throw temper tantrums but nothing too outlandish (yet!).

Their parents are trying to get them back, or at least Mom is. She sends clothes and diapers every week.

It feels like they have been here much longer than they have.

I've been on Spring Break this week and basically got nothing accomplished for school. I did take my last certification test today and hope I passed. I was so tired I feel asleep three times while taking it :)

I'm pretty sure we won't be taking a placement of three again. Unless they are much older, and potty trained!

I'll try to write more later when I have time. Keeping up with the kids and the paperwork has us pretty tied up right now.

Stressed but blessed!

Two's Company, Three's a Crowd :)

Yes, three.

They should be here Monday afternoon: 5 months (girl), 1-1/2 and 2-1/2(boys).

I am freaking out a little.... but I am peaceful as well. Greg is a mountain of confidence. I never dreamed we would get so many young children - if any at all. They have been described as "a handful". I went to meet them Thursday evening and they are all adorable.

Unfortunately we will be their third home since coming into foster care in January.

I went to Wal-mart last night, but had no idea what to buy. I had asked my grandmother if I could have her crib if I ever needed it, but never seriously thought I would end up with an infant. Now I am just praying that three car seats will fit in my backseat!

Please pray for us... my biggest concern is not the children themselves, but taking care of three while trying to finish up my degree (May 17th ya'll!). Student teaching has been a challenge (a good one) and picking up three kids and taking them home does present an issue :) Fortunately I have a wonderful husband, sister, mother-in-law and countless friends to help.

Speaking of help, I already have about five car seats en route, a baby bath, pack-n-play and stroller. Woohoo! The kids also come with clothes, diapers, formula, etc. Their parents bring clothes, diapers and wipes for them when they see them each week.

I agreed to do respite this weekend for what I thought was an 18 mo. baby boy. It turns out that Arthur is actually 12 mo., but he has been so much fun. Such a happy baby!

I have to try to "CPS-ify" my house so I'll post more later.

About being on "The List"

I called our agency today to find out where we stood on "The List".

I still don't completely understand, but the girl I talked to said we were still up for the next call, but that placements are down (which is both a blessing and potentially scary). She also said that they get more calls for sibling groups of three and more, which we are not accepting.

Either way, my phone stays on vibrate in my pocket at all times! Fortunately I am staying busy student teaching so I am not "dwelling".

On a brighter note, it looks like my graduation date is May 16th. Party at my house! Woohoo!

I found this on my friend Rachel's blog. Read her story here.

The poem was written by Chris Malone, an adoptive dad who is about to travel.

I Wonder

I wonder...when it was 10 days before I met God and He adopted me, was HE this excited?

I wonder if His stomach did flips and He got tears in His eyes when He thought about holding me for the first time.

I wonder if His heart ached when He thought about my life without Him as my Daddy.

I wonder if it grieved Him to know that I was living as an orphan andhad no hope of a future without Him.

I wonder if He was as okay with paying my ransom as I am with paying our boys'.

I wonder if, for Him, there was no cost too high, no sacrifice too great.

I wonder...

We got a call today, but...

we weren't picked.


I happened to glance down at my phone during one of my classes, and saw a familiar phone number on the caller ID. I went out in the hall to check my voicemail, and it was our agency.
The message said they had a boy, almost 2, whose mother was surrendering him. The mother thought that the little boy, who is non-verbal, might be autistic, and can't meet his needs. The message also said that I needed to call back in 15 minutes.

I did, and accepted the placement. If only it were that easy :) At that point, the agency sends our information to CPS (along with every other agency in the area). 5 hours later, our agency called to say we had not be chosen. The little boy was in a county about an hour from us, and a family from his area had been choosen.

Talk about a roller coaster ride. I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket all day, thinking about getting that call. I'm beginning to understand that the wait has only begun.

I was a little surprised at how emotional I was when we got the call. Another teacher in our school has adopted three children through foster care, so I went down to tell him the news and started to cry a little. Fortunately he understood. It just became so real.

And so we'll wait for the next call - and God's perfect timing.

We're Licensed!

It's official today. We go on the waiting list this week. Our social worker (who is also our case manager) said while there are several families ahead of us, we are the only family in our county willing to take such a wide array of age, race and gender.

I noticed while updating our adoption timeline that today is one year to date that I attended the first information meeting. I never would've believed it would take us this long to finish.

I will post again if anything changes!

Almost there... again!

I received an e-mail from our Social Worker this week saying our approval was in the works and could come any day now. She also apologized for how long things were taking. I told her everything was in God's timing and not to worry about it.

The more I think about becoming a parent the more I wonder what we've gotten ourselves into :) I wonder how selfish I will be with my time... we are used to doing what we want with our free time. I really like waking up when I want to wake up. Everything will change. However, the idea of NOT having kids in the house makes me so sad. I know it will be different/difficult/life altering but I believe it will be worth it.

By the way, I really like having a "kids room". Monday night we had some friends over, and both couples have toddlers. The first thing the boys wanted to know was, "Where are your toys?". We actually had some! Woohoo!

I had a "womanly" checkup done at the University clinic. They ran some tests and said that if they call me, there is a problem, otherwise, I could call a 1-800 number for my results. Friday someone from the clinic left me a message and asked me to call back. Great. I'm trying not to worry about it until I have a reason. Feel free to pray about this!! I won't be able to talk to anyone about my results until Tuesday.

Greg did NOT hear back about the job he applied for. He will keep calling until they tell him he was not chosen. I would expect an e-mail, phone call or letter from the company letting him know one way or the other, so maybe something went wrong in the hiring process. You never know, meanwhile he will continue to look.

"Waiting is the hardest part of hope" - Lewis Smede

The social worker called my sister this week. She also talked to Greg and thought they would let us know something this week. I guess I'll call Monday and find out.

Greg went to take a "test" for one of his job interviews. If he passed it (and we think he did) he'll get a second interview. Please pray for this situation. We are concerned about him working Sundays but we won't have any details about what hours on Sunday until he has a job offer. Hopefully the company will call him early next week and let him know.

Today was a teacher-in-service day at our school. I had a really good time having lunch away from the school with the other teachers, and getting to know them better. Although I wouldn't consider myself a shy person, I am a little intimidated being the lowest man on the totem pole. It has been tough to open up but that ice has been cracked :) I am still working through Macbeth. The more I get into it, the more I like it.

Have a great weekend!

Still Waiting...

I took the initiative to call our Social Worker yesterday. She said she had just been reviewing our case file with the agency director and they still needed clarification on two things.

The first was the issue of having our own children. Okay. We get this A LOT. But I thought we had already hashed this out. So, I talked to her about it again. I told her we did not know if we were having our own kids, but were not going to rule it out. I told her that we felt God was calling us to expand our family through adoption first. I told her that there were almost 40,000 kids in the Texas foster care system and that we were burdened about that. She said okay. She also said it would be an issue with CPS so they needed to be prepared to explain. I told her that if anything, having our own kids would be easier at this point but we wanted to be in God's will. Thank goodness He is truly in control, and not our agency or CPS. I was honestly tempted to tell her that I had lied, and I really was infertile. Shoot, maybe I am? I have no idea really :)

The next item up for clarification was Greg's employment. The agency felt that he might be a "job hopper". I explained that he left his job of five years because they cut their staff, doubled his work load, and didn't raise his salary. So he left to work for Brinks, but in commissioned sales you are expected to be pushy and keep asking after someone tells you no. Greg was not cut out for that. He also got in trouble for telling people they would be better off financially sticking with their current company. My husband has integrity and I am proud of that. I am not saying that everyone in sales lacks integrity. It just wasn't the job for Greg. I explained that Greg always has a job with his Dad and so when he left Brinks of course he went there so that we would have income. He is also working a part-time job. Either the agency is afraid that Greg is not stable financially (although we had to disclose our savings and other assets to them) OR, they are afraid we are trying to do this for the money. Ha! Basic kids have a reimbursement of $22 a day. About $660 a month. Wow, with two kids (the most we will take) we could be raking in a big $1320 a month! Whoopee, I think I'll just skip the teaching job and live off that. Please. After daycare (yes my mother-in-law will probably keep them if they are not school aged but I will not let her do it for free), food, clothing, activities, medication and whatever other misc. items they will need, how much of that will really be left over? Anyway the social worker said my explanation made sense and she would share that with the agency director. I told her that if she thought this could be a real issue I would rather that she just tell me so we would be prepared for a wait. She said no, that she didn't think it would be a problem. But hey she also told me in November that we could be getting calls by mid-December, early January :)

On a brighter note, I started my student teaching residency this week. It is going really well. I am currently studying Macbeth, so I can start teaching that in two weeks. I will be honest and say that I am an English major who does not like Shakespeare. I knew that teaching was a hard job but I never truly realized how much work it was. I can see how hard my first year will be, starting from scratch and no mentor teacher there to help. But at least I will have a paycheck - this working for free stuff is for the birds!

Greg should hear about one of his job interviews this week, hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday. It will involve long hours and possibly working on Sundays (we are hoping he could still make the morning or evening service, one) but in this economy, we're interested. He also heard back from a city job that he had past their test so he will call them Monday to find out what happens next.

God is faithful! This whole "adventure" has really tested our faith and (I believe) made it stronger.