The Most Selfish Person Alive Is...

Me.

The kids came home from their weekly visit with their Mom. As usual, I asked the CPS worker how the visit went. In the past few weeks, her reply has always been, "not good". This week however, she surprised me with "Good, much better".

So why did that response make me feel resentful?

My biggest struggle in foster care has been hoping and praying for the best for the biological parents. For a moment, I didn't WANT their Mom to succeed. I didn't want them to have a good time seeing her.

Geesh.

I told Greg how I felt and cried. I continue to ask God to make me the best FOSTER Mom I can be. I have to continually remind myself that these kids are here temporarily.

Even as the 6 year old is getting comfortable and starting to talk back and act out, I want him to stay. It feels like these guys have always been with us. I can't stand the thought of them leaving.

I started thinking tonight about how easy it would be to just have my own kid, that I could keep. I don't want to think like that, but I can't help it sometimes. I don't really care about having my own birth children, but the idea of a permanent family is so tempting.

And to top it off, it's time to start looking for a teaching job again. I am feeling discouraged already.

Faith of a mustard seed... not so much. Is there anything smaller? There must be. Tonight I feel like God is so far away, although I know that is not true. He has provided so much, and I am so ungrateful. Fortunately He proves Himself faithful again and again, whether or not I deserve it.

Once again I am grateful for a blog that almost no one reads :) Pity party over!

New Babies

We have a 6 year old boy and his 6 month old sister with us now. They came to us late in February. Yes, I know, I really stink at blogging.

GREAT kids. Easy baby, smart and easy going 6 year old boy. We feel like our cup is overflowing....

except when I think about them leaving. Unfortunately the thought occurs to me - and is constantly brought up by others. "Don't you get attached?" or "I just don't know how you do it!". Me either - only by the grace of God.

One of the hardest parts of being a foster parent is praying the right way. I constantly struggle with praying for God's will, versus my will (which is where the kids stay with me!).

I know God is faithful, but I do wonder how much more of this I can take. The thought of losing these guys makes me sick. It boils down to whether or not I can put ME aside and just do the best for them.

In the meanwhile, I think I will just enjoy them while I have them.

Seeds That Take Root

Last week when I was talking to the kids' Mom, she told me something that really made my day.

Evidently the oldest boy, who is 3-1/2, knows which days are "church" days. Every Wednesday when they get home from daycare, he asks if they are going to church. Unfortunately they have commitments on Wednesday evenings that can't be avoided. Not to be outdone, every Sunday morning he asks if they are going to church.

Mom laughed and told me that thanks to us, she is never going to get to sleep in on a Sunday again :)

All those Sunday mornings struggling to get three kids ready... the long Wednesday nights, sitting with that same oldest child in the car on the evenings he couldn't behave in church, all became worth it in that one moment.

It shouldn't take confirmation like that to make working for the kingdom worth it... but I loved it, and thank God for hearing it.

Good stuff!

Sad

We've seen the kids several times since they left. We talked to them over the phone, saw them for Christmas, and even had dinner with them this week. Their parents have been very gracious to us, and for that we are grateful.

My friend told me tonight that I looked sad. I realized when I got home, alone to my empty house that she is right. I miss my kids, and I feel like part of me is missing. Although tears never really help, I can't keep them from flowing tonight. It's like a dam has opened...

There were so many tough nights when I was counting the days they would be gone. It's funny how perception changes those memories... even on the worst days, anything was better than not having them at all.

I know the kids are safe and happy, and that we did our "job". It just hurts. A lot. But this too shall pass, right?

Only with the faithful love of God. I am listening to the same song over and over tonight, trying to focus on that love.

Enclosed are the lyrics from the David Crowder Band "You Never Let Go":


When clouds veil sun, and disaster comes
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

When waters rise, and hope takes flight
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

Oh my soul.

Ever faithful, ever true
You are known, you never let go.

You never let go, You never let go, You never go (repeat).

When clouds brought rain, and disaster came
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

When waters rose, and hope had flown
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

Oh my soul.

Ever faithful, ever true
You are known, You never let go

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go (repeat).

Oh my soul, overflows
Oh what love, oh what love.

Oh my soul, feels with love
Perfect love that never lets go.

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go (repeat).

Oh what love, oh what love, oh what love (repeat).

Joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go (repeat).

Never let go, never let go, never let go.