Me.
The kids came home from their weekly visit with their Mom. As usual, I asked the CPS worker how the visit went. In the past few weeks, her reply has always been, "not good". This week however, she surprised me with "Good, much better".
So why did that response make me feel resentful?
My biggest struggle in foster care has been hoping and praying for the best for the biological parents. For a moment, I didn't WANT their Mom to succeed. I didn't want them to have a good time seeing her.
Geesh.
I told Greg how I felt and cried. I continue to ask God to make me the best FOSTER Mom I can be. I have to continually remind myself that these kids are here temporarily.
Even as the 6 year old is getting comfortable and starting to talk back and act out, I want him to stay. It feels like these guys have always been with us. I can't stand the thought of them leaving.
I started thinking tonight about how easy it would be to just have my own kid, that I could keep. I don't want to think like that, but I can't help it sometimes. I don't really care about having my own birth children, but the idea of a permanent family is so tempting.
And to top it off, it's time to start looking for a teaching job again. I am feeling discouraged already.
Faith of a mustard seed... not so much. Is there anything smaller? There must be. Tonight I feel like God is so far away, although I know that is not true. He has provided so much, and I am so ungrateful. Fortunately He proves Himself faithful again and again, whether or not I deserve it.
Once again I am grateful for a blog that almost no one reads :) Pity party over!
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1 comment:
You are not selfish! You are just human. It is normal to have those feelings and to get attached to those kids. I don't think you could be a good foster parent if you didn't get attached. I'll be praying for your heart and that God would give you what you need to love these kids while they are with you and the strength to let them go if He chooses for them to move on.
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