The Most Selfish Person Alive Is...

Me.

The kids came home from their weekly visit with their Mom. As usual, I asked the CPS worker how the visit went. In the past few weeks, her reply has always been, "not good". This week however, she surprised me with "Good, much better".

So why did that response make me feel resentful?

My biggest struggle in foster care has been hoping and praying for the best for the biological parents. For a moment, I didn't WANT their Mom to succeed. I didn't want them to have a good time seeing her.

Geesh.

I told Greg how I felt and cried. I continue to ask God to make me the best FOSTER Mom I can be. I have to continually remind myself that these kids are here temporarily.

Even as the 6 year old is getting comfortable and starting to talk back and act out, I want him to stay. It feels like these guys have always been with us. I can't stand the thought of them leaving.

I started thinking tonight about how easy it would be to just have my own kid, that I could keep. I don't want to think like that, but I can't help it sometimes. I don't really care about having my own birth children, but the idea of a permanent family is so tempting.

And to top it off, it's time to start looking for a teaching job again. I am feeling discouraged already.

Faith of a mustard seed... not so much. Is there anything smaller? There must be. Tonight I feel like God is so far away, although I know that is not true. He has provided so much, and I am so ungrateful. Fortunately He proves Himself faithful again and again, whether or not I deserve it.

Once again I am grateful for a blog that almost no one reads :) Pity party over!

New Babies

We have a 6 year old boy and his 6 month old sister with us now. They came to us late in February. Yes, I know, I really stink at blogging.

GREAT kids. Easy baby, smart and easy going 6 year old boy. We feel like our cup is overflowing....

except when I think about them leaving. Unfortunately the thought occurs to me - and is constantly brought up by others. "Don't you get attached?" or "I just don't know how you do it!". Me either - only by the grace of God.

One of the hardest parts of being a foster parent is praying the right way. I constantly struggle with praying for God's will, versus my will (which is where the kids stay with me!).

I know God is faithful, but I do wonder how much more of this I can take. The thought of losing these guys makes me sick. It boils down to whether or not I can put ME aside and just do the best for them.

In the meanwhile, I think I will just enjoy them while I have them.

Seeds That Take Root

Last week when I was talking to the kids' Mom, she told me something that really made my day.

Evidently the oldest boy, who is 3-1/2, knows which days are "church" days. Every Wednesday when they get home from daycare, he asks if they are going to church. Unfortunately they have commitments on Wednesday evenings that can't be avoided. Not to be outdone, every Sunday morning he asks if they are going to church.

Mom laughed and told me that thanks to us, she is never going to get to sleep in on a Sunday again :)

All those Sunday mornings struggling to get three kids ready... the long Wednesday nights, sitting with that same oldest child in the car on the evenings he couldn't behave in church, all became worth it in that one moment.

It shouldn't take confirmation like that to make working for the kingdom worth it... but I loved it, and thank God for hearing it.

Good stuff!

Sad

We've seen the kids several times since they left. We talked to them over the phone, saw them for Christmas, and even had dinner with them this week. Their parents have been very gracious to us, and for that we are grateful.

My friend told me tonight that I looked sad. I realized when I got home, alone to my empty house that she is right. I miss my kids, and I feel like part of me is missing. Although tears never really help, I can't keep them from flowing tonight. It's like a dam has opened...

There were so many tough nights when I was counting the days they would be gone. It's funny how perception changes those memories... even on the worst days, anything was better than not having them at all.

I know the kids are safe and happy, and that we did our "job". It just hurts. A lot. But this too shall pass, right?

Only with the faithful love of God. I am listening to the same song over and over tonight, trying to focus on that love.

Enclosed are the lyrics from the David Crowder Band "You Never Let Go":


When clouds veil sun, and disaster comes
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

When waters rise, and hope takes flight
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

Oh my soul.

Ever faithful, ever true
You are known, you never let go.

You never let go, You never let go, You never go (repeat).

When clouds brought rain, and disaster came
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

When waters rose, and hope had flown
Oh my soul, oh my soul.

Oh my soul.

Ever faithful, ever true
You are known, You never let go

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go (repeat).

Oh my soul, overflows
Oh what love, oh what love.

Oh my soul, feels with love
Perfect love that never lets go.

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go (repeat).

Oh what love, oh what love, oh what love (repeat).

Joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go (repeat).

Never let go, never let go, never let go.

Empty Nesters under 40

The kids are home with their parents. As of the December 11th, we have no more babies in the house. Ironically as much as I dreaded them going home, it's been a bit of a relief as well. In the past month the kids have been back and forth between our home and their parents, and haven't reacted well at all. We basically put them to bed at night and dropped them off at daycare in the morning.

Looking back, I know I would do it again. It was HARD but worth it. There are so many things I will do differently next time.... be more organized, serve God more while being a mother, put my husband before the kids, ask for more help. Fnd BALANCE.

We are enjoying our new freedom, but our arms feel so empty. We are back on the "waiting" list and have agreed to take in kids for short term respite (where other foster families get a much needed break from their kids) when the opportunity arises.

There were 33, 615 kids in foster care in 2008 - in Texas alone. Each month in Texas averaged 17, 974 kids. At the end of 2008, 6,375 kids were awaiting adoption. Here am I Lord, send me!

Read more about Texas foster care and the statistics I've listed here.

Please pray for our three babies - that they continue to be safe and are raised to love Jesus. We miss them so much.

Wow, I have a blog?

Okay so I am REALLY bad at blogging. I do have three good excuses, but I can't name them on the Internet. However they are 3, 2 and 1 and all require diaper changes :)

The kids have been with us a little over 7 months now. It's hard to believe, it feels like they've always been here.

A few big things that happened since my last (and distant) post:

We put the kids in daycare. It's been about a month now. The oldest, who had made such great strides and improvements, has completely regressed in many ways. One moment he is sweet, the next he is intolerable. I realize that is also part of being a three year old, but he definitely knows how to make our household miserable! He is having trouble sleeping and behaving at daycare as well. Greg and I have discussed my staying home with them again until they leave, his behavior is so off.

I am working as a substitute teacher. That topic requires a whole new blog and we all know how great I would be at that :)

The 2 year old is well on his way to being potty trained. His teachers love him at the daycare. Unfortunately while he is at home, he looks up to his older brother and has begun to mimic many of his less desirable traits. Other than that, he is doing well and is mostly a low maintenance kid :)

The baby is walking, has five teeth and turned one last month. Her parents threw a little party for her at McDonald's. I can't believe how big she is. Because I am a dope (and can't find a decent pediatrician that takes Medicaid), I didn't realize we were supposed to be weening her off formula and her bottle. So, we are trying to do that now. If you've ever seen the show "Sanford and Sons" and can remember how Red Fox looked while he walked, that is what baby girl reminds me of.

After many false alarms, the kids really might go home in 4-6 weeks. CPS is filing an affidavit and then we're just waiting on a court date. Next Saturday begins longer visits, 4 hours the first weekend, 6 the next... progressing to an overnight stay. Having met the parents, we are ecstatic for them and know they are SO ready for their babies to come home. We are inviting them to our church for Halloween so they can see the kids and trick-or-treat with them.

God really has perfect timing. I can see so many reasons I didn't get a teaching job this year. As stressful as life is right now, I can't imagine myself in my first year of teaching and taking care of three kids. I will also be grateful for that when the kids go... we already have plans to drive up to AR to stay with friends for a long weekend after they leave. I will be heart broken and need a change of scenery.

Foster care is so different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard, but wasn't prepared for it to be THIS hard. It has taken a toll on our social lives, our marriage, my sister and really made us understand how flawed and selfish we are.

With that said, I think we will do it again, and hope God sends us "our" kids the next time. Greg would like to foster long term but don't know if I can do it.

A few things we will do differently next time:

• Apply for daycare immediately
• Request shot records immediately. They are invaluable!
• Not take on three at once
• Utilize respite (sending the kids to another foster family for a short stay) within the first couple of months. We do this now, one weekend a month, but did not do it for the first 3-4 months and got burnt out fast
• We'll be better prepared for the prejudice, conscious or subconscious that people will have toward our kids - because they are foster kids
• I will not share every sordid detail of my kids misbehavior, even if I do need to vent. This also causes prejudice toward the child, and people will then have low expectations of that child.
• If our kids see a therapist, I will insist from the beginning that we be kept informed on any progress made, or issues discovered. I take the boys every week and have no idea what is said or done.
• Network to find a decent pediatrician that accepts Medicaid.
• We will not use WIC unless we have a baby on formula. Although we have the hang of things now, it is still a huge hassle and we don't need or use all of the food available to us.
• Be more organized with our paperwork.
• Start of the kids "life books" earlier. This include photos and other information that the kids will take with them so that there are no blanks in their lives while in foster care.
• And many, many more.......

So, if anyone still reads this blog, I'll try to do better from now on. Thanks for paying attention!

"Real" Parents

It's been a long time since I've posted. Here are a few quick updates:

• CPS is looking at a Great-Aunt to take the kids. We are still waiting for a homestudy to be complete, but they could be placed with her by mid-August.

• CPS sent out information from the reunification meeting with our last name on it - to everyone who attended the meeting, including the parents and their relatives. Nice.

• Miley stood all by herself for a few seconds this week. It was amazing!

• The family visits are going MUCH better.

It's 3 AM. The kids are in respite for the weekend. It's funny, I've been looking forward to having a "break" for two weeks now, but I can't help but miss them. I'm sure I'll get over it tomorrow when no one knocks on my door at 7 AM :)

I've been thinking about the way foster parents are treated - as though we are not "real" parents. It's starting to bother me a lot. Don't get me wrong, our church and friends have been great: as soon as the word got out that we were being placed with three kids, people started scrambling. As a result we have six car seats (and use almost all of them), two pack 'n plays (use both), two strollers, a crib, two high chairs, clothes, bunk beds, toys, a jungle gym. There are many prayer warriors on our side. We appreciated and needed that. I don't want to seem ungrateful.

However, there is a flip side. For example, I had someone inform me that I should never leave the baby alone in the bath tub. Evidently, they can drown in as little as two inches of water. I don't know why that bothered me so much but it did. I know this person was trying to be helpful, but it feels like because I have not given birth people assume I have no common sense. By the way, there is a lot we do NOT know. I have no problem admitting that and asking for advice when I need it.

Mother's Day and Father's Day were interesting. Our church does recognition of things like oldest father/mother, newest, one with most children, most family present, etc. When I was nominated for newest mother, someone actually said out loud, "but she didn't actually have them". Ouch. When Greg was nominated, someone said, "he's only a father until July". Keep in mind this is during the morning service. I realize this is a minority, but it is still hurtful.

These kids call us Mom and Dad - and not because we prompted them to. They run to us when they are hurt. We feed them, clothe them and bathe them. When the baby cries in the middle of the night, we get up with her. Doctors visits, play dates, church, therapies, tantrums - we are there for it all.

I think in the long run, being a foster parent is more difficult and painful than being a birth parent raising their kids. After all, these kids are with us indefinitely. We take them in with all their problems, start to straighten them out, then they are taken. In the end, the only thing separating foster parents from "real" parents is permanency.

Why else would I be up at 3 AM writing about them?